Excerpt from Damned Lies #1: Motherfucking Vampire
"So when do we kill the vampire?" I asked.
The sun was going down and we were in the middle of nowhere. Sister Nancy said the vampire lived in an abandoned church a few dusty roads off the highway.
"You don't have to help," she said again.
"But I want to help," I said enthusiastically.
She sighed, which I know some of you, My Dear Readers, are also doing.
You're sitting here thinking, "Oh, he would never volunteer to help kill a vampire. I wouldn't." You'd think I would be too scared, too weirded out, or think the nun too crazy for me to help out. You'd think there would be reasons and excuses and nervousness, all in the name of somehow avoiding the task. And you would be wrong. Because of course I want to kill a vampire.
Dear Reader, imagine if you will, that you were asked by a friend if you wanted to kill a vampire. Out of the blue, your friend rings at your door and quite seriously asks your help in ridding the world of a vicious creature of the night. And you might imagine your response to be a mere shake of the head. Maybe some mumbled excuse: "No, I think I am going to stay home, watch television, surf the internet, go on that forum and down vote people I don't agree with, then go to bed early, safe in my own bed and away from vampires. Also, vampires don't exist." And in your imagination, you stay at home, allowing cognitive dissonance to do its work. You decide your friend is crazy. You decide you never would want to kill a vampire.
And to you I say: Bullshit.
You are a liar.
For the moment, let's ignore the talk of whether vampires exist or not. Your friend has asked you to kill a vampire. He or she has got the sharpened wooden stakes, the various undead hunting tools, even the exact the location of the vamp. You are just requested to be a ride along. All the decisions are already made, you just have to decide whether you will accompany them. Are you going to just pass up an opportunity like this? Are you going to shake your head and have yet another uneventful and forgettable evening? Are you going to deny your soul as a reader, a dreamer, a fantasist, an escapist? Will you betray your imagination?
You've read all those books of fights and fantasies, of epic journeys and twisted thrillers, of heroes and villains, of the light and the dark. And whether you admit it or not, you've wished for that adventure. You've wished that those things are at least partly real. Why would you keep reading them, why would you keep loving them, why would you keep injecting your imagination with such amazing stories, if you never, in some part of yourself, ever wanted them to be at least somewhat real?
Dear Reader, are you telling me that if one night, a trusted friend showed up at your door, and called upon your trust to dispose of a vampire, you'd refuse the idea?
No, you wouldn't.
Not if you were honest with yourself. Let go of your weird feelings, your fear, any ideas of your friend being crazy. Let go of your inertia, your reluctance, and that little voice that always tells you that you can't do things. Forget that voice that gives you weak reasons for keeping to the status quo of your life. This is a unique moment, that voice does not apply. Your friend wants you to go kill a vampire.
What do you say?
You'd say, "Fuck yeah! I want to stab a motherfucking vampire in his motherfucking heart!"
Because one day, you're going to be somewhere, whether it's in front of friends, your kids, a late night bar, or on your death bed, and the moment is going to happen. For once in your life, you'll have the rapt attention of everyone in the room. Everyone's going to be looking at you, waiting for whatever profound words you are willing to say. It's a fleeting moment. You open your mouth... and what do you say? What do you truly say to that group of people? You can't just give them another story about a fish you caught, a plane you missed, a lover that got away. That's not this moment.
And in that moment, you'll have the story of how you sought to kill a vampire. It doesn't matter if they believe, it doesn't matter if the vampire ended up being real or fake. It doesn't matter if you followed your friend to the destination and discovered your friend was crazy and you needed to talk them through their breakdown. The actual story or its conclusion don't really matter for this. You'll have the story of how you killed a vampire (or tried to), and they'll all listen. Even those who think you're lying will still listen until the story ends.
Because you killed a motherfucking vampire.
"So when do we kill the vampire?" I asked.
The sun was going down and we were in the middle of nowhere. Sister Nancy said the vampire lived in an abandoned church a few dusty roads off the highway.
"You don't have to help," she said again.
"But I want to help," I said enthusiastically.
She sighed, which I know some of you, My Dear Readers, are also doing.
You're sitting here thinking, "Oh, he would never volunteer to help kill a vampire. I wouldn't." You'd think I would be too scared, too weirded out, or think the nun too crazy for me to help out. You'd think there would be reasons and excuses and nervousness, all in the name of somehow avoiding the task. And you would be wrong. Because of course I want to kill a vampire.
Dear Reader, imagine if you will, that you were asked by a friend if you wanted to kill a vampire. Out of the blue, your friend rings at your door and quite seriously asks your help in ridding the world of a vicious creature of the night. And you might imagine your response to be a mere shake of the head. Maybe some mumbled excuse: "No, I think I am going to stay home, watch television, surf the internet, go on that forum and down vote people I don't agree with, then go to bed early, safe in my own bed and away from vampires. Also, vampires don't exist." And in your imagination, you stay at home, allowing cognitive dissonance to do its work. You decide your friend is crazy. You decide you never would want to kill a vampire.
And to you I say: Bullshit.
You are a liar.
For the moment, let's ignore the talk of whether vampires exist or not. Your friend has asked you to kill a vampire. He or she has got the sharpened wooden stakes, the various undead hunting tools, even the exact the location of the vamp. You are just requested to be a ride along. All the decisions are already made, you just have to decide whether you will accompany them. Are you going to just pass up an opportunity like this? Are you going to shake your head and have yet another uneventful and forgettable evening? Are you going to deny your soul as a reader, a dreamer, a fantasist, an escapist? Will you betray your imagination?
You've read all those books of fights and fantasies, of epic journeys and twisted thrillers, of heroes and villains, of the light and the dark. And whether you admit it or not, you've wished for that adventure. You've wished that those things are at least partly real. Why would you keep reading them, why would you keep loving them, why would you keep injecting your imagination with such amazing stories, if you never, in some part of yourself, ever wanted them to be at least somewhat real?
Dear Reader, are you telling me that if one night, a trusted friend showed up at your door, and called upon your trust to dispose of a vampire, you'd refuse the idea?
No, you wouldn't.
Not if you were honest with yourself. Let go of your weird feelings, your fear, any ideas of your friend being crazy. Let go of your inertia, your reluctance, and that little voice that always tells you that you can't do things. Forget that voice that gives you weak reasons for keeping to the status quo of your life. This is a unique moment, that voice does not apply. Your friend wants you to go kill a vampire.
What do you say?
You'd say, "Fuck yeah! I want to stab a motherfucking vampire in his motherfucking heart!"
Because one day, you're going to be somewhere, whether it's in front of friends, your kids, a late night bar, or on your death bed, and the moment is going to happen. For once in your life, you'll have the rapt attention of everyone in the room. Everyone's going to be looking at you, waiting for whatever profound words you are willing to say. It's a fleeting moment. You open your mouth... and what do you say? What do you truly say to that group of people? You can't just give them another story about a fish you caught, a plane you missed, a lover that got away. That's not this moment.
And in that moment, you'll have the story of how you sought to kill a vampire. It doesn't matter if they believe, it doesn't matter if the vampire ended up being real or fake. It doesn't matter if you followed your friend to the destination and discovered your friend was crazy and you needed to talk them through their breakdown. The actual story or its conclusion don't really matter for this. You'll have the story of how you killed a vampire (or tried to), and they'll all listen. Even those who think you're lying will still listen until the story ends.
Because you killed a motherfucking vampire.
